I get an IM from Barndogg Monday AM asking if I want to see Bulls vs Pistons. It's Ben Gordon's return to the United Center since being dealt to the Pistons ... and by dealt I mean not offered as much as a stick of gum by Bulls management to stay. I'll admit, he drove me nuts when he was on the team, while he was a nightly lock for 20-25 pts, he was also good for at least 4 or 5 "areyoufuckingkiddingme?" turnovers each game and played defense with the same intensity as my mom. But he was also the only guy on the Bulls who had the ability to make (and the willingness to take) the big shots. When he was hot, the ball was going up and it was going in. From any angle, from anywhere on the floor. Plus it's the Pistons, which I'm pretty sure are Satan's favorite NBA team. This should be good theater, so I agree to go.
Tuesday evening Barndogg picks me up at work and we head over for a dance with the Cobra. They're having a special on brown liquid (Jameson & Guinness). It's cold outside, so I seriously consider the Jameson until I come to my senses and order a pint of the plain. Whiskey at 6pm on a school night is not a good idea. The last time I drank whiskey I spent the next Sunday morning and early afternoon trying to throw up my soul. The Sunday morning and early afternoon of my wife's birthday. Which we were celebrating in SF. I totally rule. Point being, I'm still a bit gun shy with the nectar of the gods.
Barndogg and I talk bullshit, eat sandwiches and discuss the merits of the Chicago Public Library System. Barndogg is a huge fan (even has his card number memorized), whereas I like the concept of it but don't see myself deviating from my super environmentally conscious system of ordering books from amazon.com and having them shipped by 2-day air.
We make our way to the United Center and even on the walk over you can tell that this will not be a well attended sporting contest. Not sure if it's because the Bulls are just returning home from a West Coast swing where they got absolutely pounded by the Nuggets, Blazers, Lakers, Jazz and lost a squeaker to the Bucks, or it's because everyone's broke. I'm still a bit surprised -- I mean, it's the hated Pistons in town! The guys who've grabbed and pulled and gouged and punched and cheapshotted and bitched and whined and moaned the Bulls since the 80s! Who doesn't want to slap down $55 (minimum) for an evening of "Dee-Troit Sucks!" cheers? I mean, a rivalry like this will always be exciting, right?
Wrong. But we'll get to that.
We stop at the concession outside of gate 316 and make nice with our two bartender friends who's names I swear to remember but never will. They both had nice Thanksgivings, can't believe winter is really here and haven't even thought about xmas shopping. We're on the same page with all three topics. Barndogg purchases two ice cold Bud Lights and we head up to our seats. To the immediate left of us sit two Piston fans. They are going to appreciate the enthusiasm with which I yell "Detroit Sucks", I just know it. Player intros are finishing and already disappointing news: Charlie Villanueva, Tayshaun Prince and Richard Hamilton, arguably the Pistons' best 3 players, are out. Awesome, we get to watch the Bulls v the Economically Recessed Back-ups.
We roll iPhone dice to determine who gets first pick in the evening's wagers. I hit a nine to Barndogg's six.
(wagering) I select Ben Gordon (why not, right?) and Johnny Salmons (Can we please start calling him Johnny Smoove? Look at him and then say Johnny Smoove. It works.). Barndogg selects Luol Deng and, gulp, Joakim Noah. I ask him why he chooses a guy who looks like he learned his jump shot at Make A Wish camp. He gives me a wise look and says,
"This guy is capable of anything".
Did I mention that Barndogg went with the Jameson at the Cobra? But kidding aside, he's right. With Noah, you just don't know. Weird stuff just kind of follows that guy. You could tell me he set the single game records for assists and I wouldn't be surprised. Barndogg sets the +/- at 47 and I take the under.
The Bulls control the tip and the sucking begins. What a mess. I went with the under primarily because the Bulls have actually been playing a little bit of defense at home these days, but in this case it paid off because both teams set new standards for ineptitude. I mean this was just brutal, unless you're really into bricks, dribbles bounced off knees, blown layups, bad passes, poor spacing and stupid fouls. I'd compare it to open gym at the YMCA but some of those guys can actually play. The score was 2-0 Bulls up until 9:33 and the Pistons don't even crack the scoring column until just under the 9:00 mark. This crap continues for most of the quarter until Barndogg does the unprecedented ... he concedes the over under bet at 3:02 with the Bulls up 15-6. First time anyone's ever flat given up on one of these wagers, but it's not like you can blame the guy. With about a minute left Barndogg nudges me and says,
"I thought Prince was out?"
"He is." I reply.
"Well then who's that?" He points to a player standing at the scorers table. Sure looks like Prince. Further inspection reveals that the player in question is Austin Daye, a Pistons rookie, which leads Barndogg to comment:
"Looks like the Pistons bought the rights to all really skinny sorta black college players. Wonder if he's left handed?"
Mercifully the quarter ends with the Bulls up 24-10. I'd write about the actual basketball a bit, but I want you to enjoy these posts.
(wagering) After that offensive explosion, I set the +/- at 41. Barndogg believes in this band of go getters and takes the over.
The second quarter opens with Bizarro Tayshaun Prince hitting a jumper. The Bulls second unit holds the line though, and the Pistons don't much closer than 12 down during the first half of the quarter. Something interesting though -- Kwame Brown (Kwame Brown!) is grabbing boards left and right on both ends of the floor, making layups, dunking the ball, getting fouled and knocking down his free throws. He's looking like a young Moses Malone while somewhere MJ just threw a remote control through a flat screen TV. Just kidding, we all know MJ doesn't watch pro basketball! Actually Kwame's play is more alarming than interesting, just proving again that the Bulls can't defend anyone inside. Brad Miller is great on the offensive end, but he can't guard anybody. The second quarter ends with Brad Miller and Johnny Smoove taking over to maintain the Bulls' edge. I'm glad I called Salmons, he's got it working from both inside and out tonight. He's fun to watch when he's on -- never seems to play in hurry, but manages to always get a really good shot for himself. He plays like the old guy in the pickup game who's better than everyone else just because he knows all the tricks. Quarter closes with the Bulls up 48-38.
(wagering) Barndogg takes the over for the 2nd but I come through strong with the tic-tac-toe game because Barndogg's contestant plays the game like he just suffered a severe head injury -- misses the winning move to go for a block instead. I really wonder what it must feel like to totally screw up a child's game with 20,000 people watching. Honestly surprised I've gotten this old without finding out. Barndogg strikes back with the #2 car coming through for him in the Hinkley Springs race. For the 3rd qtr, Barndogg sets the +/- at 48 and I take the over.
The 3rd quarter immediately goes bad for the Bulls in a familiar way. Thus far this year, the Bulls have been unable to put anyone away on the rare occasion that they've had a decent lead. This proves true again tonight as Jason Maxiell teams up with Rodney Stuckey and someone named Jonas Jerebko grab 4 offensive boards in the first 3 minutes to bring the Pistons back into it. With about 8 minutes left in the quarter it's a ballgame again when Maxiell hits a layup to bring Detroit to within 3, 50-47.
But, the Pistons are just too thin, so Derrick Rose and Brad Miller combine to pull the Bulls away in the latter part of the quarter. Miller makes good on his usual bag of pick and pop jumpers, while Rose does it from both inside and out. Another ho hum quarter ends with the Bulls up 74-57. Highlight is at 3:02, when we hear our first "DETROIT SUCKS" chants. The game blows and everyone knows it, so it's a pretty lackluster cheer.
Meanwhile, the guy directly in front of me has gotten my attention (unlike the actual game) -- earlier I watched him polish off an entire bag of popcorn by himself, and now he's tearing into bag #2. He makes quick work of it, and stands up to leave his seat when I notice two things, one amazing and one horrifying. Observation #1: even though the guy is in his late 40s, he's sporting the EXACT same pair of Guess jeans I used to rock my Sophomore year of high school, and Observation #2: He's showing more crack than that scene in New Jack City where Pookie goes nuts in the Carter drug lab. Jesus man, if you're going to build a time machine to go back and raid my closet for designer jeans, at least steal a belt too. I had one, it was braided as was the fashion of the time.
(wagering) I again miss on the over, but Gordon and Salmons have combined to assure me of 5 American dollars at this point. At this point my phone goes dead, so I'm unable to take more notes for the blog.
The 4th quarter starts, and stuff happens. Did I mention how much this game sucked? By this juncture the seats were half empty and both sides were totally going through the motions. The Bulls of course allow Detroit to make it close, but it was really more annoying than it was worrisome. You could tell that they were just slightly less inept/slightly more involved in this game than Detroit, and would pull out the win. Which they did, 92-85. Bulls get the win and everyone goes home unsatisfied.
ITEM: this game was so boring I forgot to post for over a week. In the meantime, the Bulls have gotten absolutely housed by Cleveland and Toronto. Then tonight, they JUST lost to the Nets, who had only managed to win one game before this. Yay.
